Every day I think about the three children we have in heaven. The three we lost in an eight month period of time. The three that God chose to give and then take away. Exactly a year ago we lost our second....each loss was hard to take, but the second carried with it the heaviest blow. With the second I was the furthest along of all three. I thought that God most certainly wouldn't allow us to lose another, and although I was plagued with nightmares of losing the kiddo growing in my belly I was confident that all would be okay.
A year ago we experienced our nightmare-come-true...again. Not only that, I was incredibly ill from drugs taken to assist the miscarriage. I was even more ill of a broken heart. And then a health scare was the 'cherry on top'. Complete defeat, so it seemed. How could the God of the universe allow this to happen?
I just don't know. I don't know why bad things happen. I don't know.
But this I do know....through my time of weariness...through one of our dark times...through not understanding and broken hearted anger and hurt I have come to know God deeper than I ever have in the past. Through tragedy I have learned the fullness of God's grace, love and healing. I have learned that He really does know what He is doing and just how not in control I am. I have learned how to give complete control over to Him. In my valley God has not only seen me through, but He's also healed my body and heart...and I've found myself walking in a deeper faith than I had just a year ago.
I always think of what could be. I think about the two I would have in my arms right now, and the one that I would still be expecting. I wonder who they are, what their names would be, what their personalities would be like. I'll meet them someday. They're currently in GREAT hands...the best hands. But I miss them. Every day I miss them.
So why do I write this on my blog...primarily used for my business? Because right now I know of several of you who are facing hard situations. Defeating situations that threaten to get the best of you. Please be reminded through my story that the Lord is mighty enough to see you through it. If He brought you to it He will see you through it, as I've heard it said. He is the One who will never leave you and never forsake you. Those are true words, not just empty lip service. I'm proof.
A year ago was one of the most character-shaping seasons of my life. One of the hardest, yet one of the most faith and trust building times I've encountered in my 29 years of life. And if the only reason I had to walk through this was to know my God better, than that is reason enough.
Remembering baby #1
Meet baby #2...our little peanut very early in the pregnancy. Little heartbeat was fluttering.
I do not have U/S pics from the third, as the third loss was very sudden this past January.
...and our miracle. Seriously a beautiful gift from God.
